The staff here is basically split into two sides and they fight amongst each other like crazy and it makes me really sad. I like all of them but I hate them fighting and I hate hearing about it. Being able to look at it from an outsiders’ perspective, I can see just how petty it is and how much it’s about ego and pride. It just makes me not want to hang around the main house as much as I would. It just seems like I’m never going to get away from this kind of thing. I’ve been good about keeping myself out of stupid things like this for the most part the last few years, but even though I am without conflict, it also feels like I’m without friends since I’m not bonding with anyone over disliking someone else. I like being alone sometimes but I don’t like being lonely most of the time. I don’t like people fighting, I don’t see why people can’t just get along.
I am supposed to be going on my first fun dive tomorrow, but a girl who is leaving soon asked if she could have my spot (dives are MUCH more limited than I thought because one boat was stolen before I got here and the boat we have isn’t particularly nice and only 6 divers at a time can fit on it) and of course I gave it to her even though I didn’t want to. I’m such a pushover with strangers for some reason. But oh well, there’s nothing I can do about it now so no use complaining.
Today Lucy, Michelle and I went into Mangily and ate at one of the Malagas staff, Lova’s, house. It was amazing- so nice to just have a home-cooked meal without 20 people pushing for food and more than enough for seconds. We had pineapple and bananas and bread and rice and meatballs and stewed vegetables and salad. By far the best meal I’ve had in Madagascar, even compared to the restaurants, because meals in restaurants don’t come with sides or anything besides the one thing you order. There just isn’t an abundance of food here like at home. Children are lucky if they get to eat. They are fed last because the parents need to be fed first to have the energy to go fish or in the mother’s case take care of a family. If there is any left, then the children eat. At home, children dictate what is eaten a lot of the time. And they leave so much on their plates. Leaving food on your plates is unheard of here.
The amount the Vazaha here talk about food is really frustrating to me though. Because we don’t have access to the typical processed foods that most of us are used to, all anyone talks about is fucking food. I just want to scream at them, “HEY! Girl with long history of disordered eating here, can you please shut the fuck up?” But of course I don’t. And I guess my ancient history has absolutely nothing to do with them. But even without my past issues (that are just that, in the past), talking about all of this stuff that we can’t have because it literally doesn’t exist in this country is like complaining about something that you can’t fix. It’s just pointless and a waste of time and I swear there are better things to talk about.
I’m sorry I am ranting, it sounds like I’m not enjoying myself and that would be a lie. I really am. I was actually in a really good mood until we got back to the house after Mangily and I immediately got asked to switch my dive followed by arguing among some of the staff. Working at an NGO is hard; I wonder if it is as hard everywhere else as it is here. With no funds and limited people, basic transportation and sometimes low morale, it’s hard to get the things done we’re here to do. Right now the most organized thing about ReefDoctor is the education program- English and the Kids’ Club. And Lucy leaves next Friday morning and I take that over and I just don’t know how I can manage nearly as well as her. I had made all of these plans for English to try and teach them the basic grammar and structure of the language and as soon as I got there yesterday I just wanted to throw my hands up. No one can help me teach the way I know how to, so I am going to have to just teach them more random words and phrases that they can memorize. Even though they might not know the difference between “I am sick” and “I have sick” or “I am headache” and “I have a headache,” and even though that kind of thing would personally drive me crazy if I wasn’t given a formula for how to figure out the grammar in Latin and French, I guess what I would apply to myself is completely irrelevant to what I should apply to them. I just feel like I am teaching them incorrectly if I just gloss over words and phrases without them knowing why. But I have got to move on from that.
In English yesterday we had three new beginners, which was good, but I ended up working with them while Lucy went outside with the more advanced. Morgan and Pepin (a former ReefDoctor employee who is from Ifaty) stayed with me though. We ended up just doing body parts; I drew a picture of the body, an arrow to the part, and the English word. Then at the end we played “Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes.” The beginners are actually more adolescent rather than adults. The girls are really sweet as well, I like working with people who smile at me all the time. Most of the class is just us smiling back and forth, not able to communicate much more than that. But I suppose that’s not so bad. I’m going to have to rethink how I’m going to work this out, but I guess I can try to teach different sort of interactions, and different phrases, rather than the basics of the language. It’s too bad, but teaching them the “right” way might end up in them learning nothing, and we are getting new people every week and it’s going so well in that aspect I really don’t want to let any of them down. If anyone knows of any other catchy songs or good games we could sing or play, like “Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes,” PLEASE send them my way. And if anyone wants to google easy English teaching methods or anything of the sort (since saying I have limited internet access is a gross understatement) I will love you forever. I know that means a lot.
Sorry for seeming so negative, I’m really not being that way, I just wanted to vent a little bit and hope maybe someone could shoot me some advice if anyone is even reading this.
Alex
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